LOLOL! I came across a writing assignment I did in 8th grade. It’s called Romeo in the 20th Century. I received a D because of inappropriate content. The teacher didn’t mention the plot holes 🙂
SCENE ONE – OLD ENGLAND
Romeo and Tybalt fighting.
ROMEO: Alive in triumph and Mercutio slain? Away to Heaven respective lenity and fired eyed fury be my conduct now! Either thou or I, or both must go with him!
TYBALT: Thou, wretched boy, that didst consort with him here shalt with him hence!
ROMEO: This shall determine that!
They draw their swords and a mighty duel ensues leaving Tybalt the victor.
SCENE TWO – CLOUD CITY
Romeo awakens surrounded by a foggy mist. He is confused and alone, but for the physicians table on which he lay. As he attempts to make sense of this, a bearded man wearing a toga enters.
ROMEO: What manner of place is this where thou hast brought me in such an untimely fashion?
MAN: What manner of place..? Oh. Where are you? Yes, I suppose it would be a little confusing at first here in cloud city You’ll adjust to it.
Romeo looks confused.
MAN (contd.): You still don’t understand do you? Ok. Well, how do I say this delicately? Ok, here’s the scoop. You are, shall we say, in fact, dead. You know dead,deceased, shed of the mortal coil, pushing up daisies, worm bait.
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey from my breath?
MAN: Aren’t you the verbose little spirit. What’s your name, anyway?
ROMEO: Romeo of the House of Montique.
MAN: Flipping through a large book of the dead
Romeo of the House of Montique. Wait a minute. You’re early. What are you doing here? You weren’t suppose to lose that fight with Tybalt. Here’s another question. What am I going to do with you? The boss is going to be pissed. I have to put you back and quick!
He spins a globe and stops it with his finger.
MAN (contd.): New York?!? Why not. Later, dude.
The clouds rise and Romeo is transported to modern day New York.
SCENE THREE – NEW YORK CITY
ROMEO: Looking at a street sign
What manner of place and time is this forty second street?
Romeo starts to walk up the street when he here’s a voice.
PIMP: Hey, buddy. You looking for a little action?
ROMEO: Thou hast meaning to thy words yet to me are of no meaning.
PIMP: Excellent rap. Let’s try this, Are you looking for a little loving?
ROMEO: What, shall I groan and tell thee?
PIMP: Groaning, huh? Sounds like you’re looking for Juliet.
ROMEO: Juliet! Wherefore art the fairest of maidens?
The pimp points to a second floor window of an adjacent apartment building.
PIMP: Right up there. Tell her Joey sent you.
ROMEO: Thou hast shown me friendship. Live long, be prosperous and farewell.
Romeo runs toward the apartment building.
PIMP: Yeah, live long and prosper yourself. I’ll hear about this one. Oh well, a bucks a buck.
Romeo stops below the balcony to admire Juliet.
ROMEO: See how she leans her bosom upon her hand. Oh, that I were the bra upon her breast. She speaks.
JULIET: What the fuck are you looking at?
ROMEO: Oh, speak again, bright angel. For thou art as glorious as the night above my head.
JULIET: I said what the fuck are you looking at?
JULIET: Joey sent you. Well drag your ass up here.
Romeo climbs the scaffold to Juliets’ apartment.
JULIET: Most guys use the stairs.
ROMEO: Walks to her and takes her hand.
If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle penalty is this…
JULIET: Holy shrine? This place? What do you consider a dump? Look, what’s it to be?
Juliet opens a closet full of sexual toys.
What are you into: Teddies, whips, chains, motion lotion, vibrators?
ROMEO: None, fair saint, if any thee dislike.
JULIET: Hold it. Did you say saint? You aren’t one of those Krishna guys or a vegetarian or something are you? Listen, maybe you should leave because I receiving some bad vibes here.
ROMEO: Alas, thou appears but still to mine eyes.
JULIET: That’s it. Out! Get out, and don’t hang around here neither cause my husband will be home soon. And use the stairs.
Romeo is crushed. He leaves and walks to a nearby bench. As he sits there pondering his dilemma a police officer walks up to him.
OFFICER: Excuse me son. Shouldn’t you be home?
ROMEO: Would I could pray thee I would.
OFFICER: Oh, one of those druggie, hippy, perverts, huh! I’m taking you downtown on a charge of vagrancy.
Romeo is read his rights and as he is taken downtown as Juliets husband stumbles home from a night of drinking.
HUSBAND: I’m home!!! And I horny!! Where’s my little whore?
He grabs at Juliet. Juliet hits at him. They struggle. She throws him on the bed where he gives up.
JULIET: Just pass out like you usually do, Mercutio.
SCENE FOUR – POLICE STATION
Romeo has been sitting in a jail cell for two hours in complete culture shock.
OFFICER: Ok, Romeo. You’ve been bailed out.
ROMEO: Hath, I a leak?
OFFICER: Don’t start again.
Romeo is released. He leaves the Police Station to find it is Juliet who has bailed him out.
JULIET: Listen, Joey told me you’d been arrested and I kinda feel like it’s a little bit my fault so I bailed you out. That’s all. Besides you talk kinda nice.
ROMEO: O blessed, blessed day. Yet I have fears that this is but a dream too flattering to be substantial.
JULIET: Let’s go back to my place. No charge.
SCENE FIVE – EXTERIOR – JULIET’S APARTMENT
They walk back to her apartment. As they reach her door, they are surrounded by police.
OFFICER: Hold it right there, Juliet or whatever your real name is. We know you murdered your husband and we know who you are. So give yourself up peacefully.
She pulls a gun from under her skirt and fires. The police return fire and Juliet goes down.
ROMEO: Alive in triumph and Juliet dead Away to Heaven respective lenity and fired eyed fury be my conduct now.
Romeo reaches for the gun he does not know to use. A shot is fired and Romeo goes down.
OFFICER 2: Halt or I’ll shoot.
OFFICER: Hey! Who shot that guy?
OFFICER 2: I shot the druggie, hippy, pervert sir.
OFFICER: Then, you’re on report as deserving a promotion, Tybalt.
OFFICER 2: Thank you, sir.
SCENE SIX – CLOUD CITY.
MAN: This really isn’t your day is it?
ROMEO: Nay, doth I believe it to be so.
MAN: Mine neither. The boss was so pissed because of that thing with you. He ordered me to find you and return you to your rightful century. Sorry about the mess with all the bullets but you won’t remember it anyway. Well, enough chatter. Later.
The clouds rise. Romeo is returned to the duel with Tybalt and this time he wins.