Humor: Womens Shoes


Women’s shoes are amazing. Oh….wait a minute here. Just a moment. I just look at them on women. I don’t wear them. Ok……no really, I’m serious. Ok, let’s continue.

Women’s shoes are amazing. There are more types and styles of women’s shoes than guys have excuses for not doing something. They’re not really shoes as much as little architectural wonders coming in as many shades, sizes, heights, and configurations as the laws of physics allow. Some of them are like stilts heightening the woman six inches into the air (and I mean a real six inches. Not the six inches men tell woman about) , others look like walking on a pudgy brick, some combine color schemes only found in small pools of vomit deposited during last nights rave, while others have more straps than a bondage den.

They must be designed by virgin men with no familiarity with female anatomy. Either that or the women’s shoe industry has become a leveraging point for some weird aspect of male domination. Certainly women can’t run away in a pair of heels from the libidinous cretin who just noticed you blinked twice therefore that was a signal you wanted to blow him.

Men apply certain preconceptions about women to the woman based solely on her shoes. No, no, it’s true. Take this example; two women, twins let’s say (stop it guys), are wearing the same outfit. The outfit is a simple combination of comfortably fitting blue jeans with no words on the exterior posterior area, and a white shirt allows in no light. In and of itself this tells a guy very little. Let’s look at the shoes. One is wearing a pair of comfortable loafers and the other black stilettos. Who is the guy going to hit on? The one wearing the black stilettos, right? Why? Because the twin in the comfortable shoes is a lesbian (again, guys, stop it).

Men believe stilettos signal a woman’s willingness to …ya know. Why do you think they call them pumps? And if they are red FMPs -OH MY MY!  WOO HOO! Men become Homer Simpson.

Here’s a thought ladies. Want to go out one night and not be hassled by Johnny Gluteus and his minute man. Just wear a pair of comfortable shoes. Not that I’m saying you should or have to.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t perpetuate social stereotypes about woman. I’m not. I’m perpetuating social stereotypes about men.

It’s entirely a social psychology. It’s objectification. Pumps and many others elevate a woman stature in a mans eyes…ok not eyes…testosterone from bare footed frumpy cave woman to sexually willing 21st century boy toy. Right or wrong as the individual case dictates- that’s the perception. Men are visually stimulated cavemen whose innate role is to propagate the species.

They say the first thing a woman looks at on a man are his shoes. A woman’s perception of mens shoes is quite different from their XY chromosome counterpart. Men see the type of shoes a women is wearing dictating whether she is porn star or lesbian. Women perceive mens shoes as a signal of wealth, intelligence, and stature or the lack thereof.

To me shoes represent nothing more than slipcovers that make walking on hot pavement comfortable and prevent the dog excrement some jerk doesn’t doggy bag from squishing between my toes, but that’s me. I could be wrong.


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9 thoughts on “Humor: Womens Shoes

  1. Very entertaining observations! It is true, I get a totally different male response when I wear my Chuckies out as opposed to my black pumps.

  2. hahaha!!! where do i start with this one???? i’m giggling because i use the term cfmp’s all the time and most people don’t know what it means. also, a man’s shoes are not the first thing i normally take in but i’ve no doubt my eye will look south now while my lips look north. thanks for the laugh Jeffrey. 🙂

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