Santa Claus is Coming to Town

I know that Santa Claus has already come to town, but I’ve been thinking about next year. How do I ensure that I’m on the nice list? Everyone wants to be on the nice list, right? We all want presents, right?

Although, if your only being nice to get on the nice list to receive presents, then that sounds like a selfish intent which, in an of itself, is not so nice and probably, excludes you from the nice list. How would Santa know that’s the games you’re playing though?

I decided to search for answers to my questions about the naughty and nice list in the Christmas carol “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”. By the title, I presume its the definitive guide to getting on the nice list. It left me with questions.

We all know the big man in red makes a list every year of those people he deems naughty and nice. That’s documented in the song.

“He’s making a list,
He’s checking it twice,
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice
Santa Claus is coming to town”

Has anyone ever seen this list? Is there any evidentiary proof that this list exists? Does Santa publish the list?  Is there a write-in option for the public?

I know a lot of people who I would not deem worthy of being on the nice list. How do I receive a nomination form? Some people might say that I’m being judgmental. Who am I to say who should be on the naughty and nice list?

Society expects us to practice tolerance. We should accept everyone as they are no matter what; no fat shaming, no slut shaming, no victim shaming, and, well, no shaming of any kind unless your target is a smoker.

If society demands inclusion, equity, and tolerance, then why is Santa excused from this ideology. Every year he judges people based upon some select set of personal criteria. There are consequences for placement on either list. The people who Santa likes because they followed his rules receive presents; otherwise no presents for you.

There doesn’t even seem to be an appeals process.

We know that an exhausting amount of time goes into the making of this list.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping
And he knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake”

Santa appears to be watching us 24 hours a day.  After-all, how else could he know when you are sleeping and when you are awake. His network of spy satellites and listening devices must be the envy of the NSA. His network manages to infiltrate every household all over the world for the creation of this yearly list. He’s probably watching me type this right now.  I’m not worried though over my status on the list. I’m neither crying nor pouting. He’s probably watching you read it.

Say, does Santa need some kind of warrant for this surveillance?

What we don’t know is when the collecting of this data to be used against you begins. It would make sense that the list encompasses the days between December 26 through December 24 of the next year. It wouldn’t be fair for the list to be based on the common calendar of January 1 through December 31, as that leaves the 26th through the 31st as a loophole for lots of crying and pouting. Maybe Santa takes a vacation from December 26 through December 31. He deserves some time off.

Santa could not be monitoring the list on December 25 as he’s traveling the world rewarding the people he likes with gifts. That does not seem feasible. Perhaps Santa delegates monitoring for the list to an elf that day, but we don’t know him so why should we trust the word of that elf. That elf may have preconceived notions, perpetuate stereotypes, has scores to settle after a lifetime of being compared Will Farrell in the movie ‘Elf”, maybe is even racist. I don’t trust this elf.

We also don’t know if there’s any kind of appeals process. It appears the list is under the singular and exclusive dictatorial control of Santa. Being on the naughty list is like being on a no fly list. There’s no way off.

So what are the criteria? The song lays out two specific requirements.

“You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town”

According to the song the only behavior patterns deemed naughty are crying and pouting. That’s it. You better not pout. You better not cry. Everything else appears to be open.

This simple list doesn’t seem fair to me. Consider the no crying. Babies do a lot of crying. They cry anywhere and at anytime. Are all babies on the naughty list? If a guy cries after getting hit in his jingle bell, is he on the naughty list? Then, there’s the matter of sad movies. People cry at movies. People cry at the death of a lived one. Naughty list?

I hope there are mitigating circumstances keeping some crying people off the naughty list, but the song does not mention them.

Then there’s pouting. Is being on the naught list for pouting always a bad thing? The definition of pouting is “push one’s lips or one’s bottom lip forward as an expression of petulant annoyance or in order to make oneself look sexually attractive.” It seems to me that pouting to make oneself look sexually attractive is a very nice thing to do. I suspect there may be two naughty lists for very different reasons.

Another question. Does ones raking on the nice list determine how many present you receive? Does the person at the bottom of the list tear the wrapping off the same number of presents as the person who just nudged their way into the bottom of the list?

I’m afraid the search for answers to gaining a slot on the nice list continues. Still, the more I think about it, the more the jolly saint nick of my childhood whose lap so many kids sat on, and charitable giving of presents makes him top two on everyones nice list seems more a control freak voyeur stalker whose ego is more bloated than his coat size. Who is he to judge anyway? Not that I’m judging.


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